Friday, 23 December 2016

[ Trigger Warning ]


Yesterday, I started reading Neil Gaiman's collection of short stories of the same name as this piece. As yet, I haven't made it past the introduction, which is unusual for me, as I generally power through the beginning and settle as the story gets going. I keep re-reading it and finding something new.

I'm so very taken with the title and with Gaiman's explanation of it. I've known what a trigger warning is - as well as actual triggers - for a long time, but the eloquence of his prose has struck a chord. 

Somehow that chord was like a Tibetan singing bowl ringing inside me, and fully formed, but all in shadows, this piece came to me. It has tentacles and sits patiently waiting for me to acknowledge it. 

Here we go...

***

New Years' Resolutions aren't really for me. I have nothing against them as such, I just personally find anything I want to make a promise to, a commitment for the future, can be started any time. 

Deciding to start it at the end of the calendar year only lets me off the hook in the present, and gives me way too much time to be lazy and think my way out of it. I may still pick a new day or even week to start something, but waiting until a set date isn't overly conducive to making me compliant.

This year is a little different. This year I've spent a lot of time on something worth making the coming year about, something I've already set my whole heart on, something worth committing 365 days to.

Something worth committing a lifetime to.

***

Back to the Trigger Warning. Usually this refers to distressing content, and is a warning - a brace option, if you will - to prepare for something likely unpleasant, but certainly content that will take you out of your comfort zone. 

Like Gaiman, I agree that though upsetting, things that trigger you teach you things. Each new one, or even revisiting old ones, forms the borders of your comfort zone. It makes you think, it makes you change, it makes you grow.

He refers more to reading fiction than anything else, but I think that this can be applied to so very many things, and serves as a great lesson in this life.

I've spent a year preparing myself, unknowingly giving myself a personal trigger warning that what was to come would be distressing, it would be hard, and it may very well be unpleasant.

It was. It is. But it's not all awful and it leads to my biggest life lesson yet, and to great joy.

Now, more than ever, I'm ready for the details. I'm ready for the actual show to begin.

I'm ready for a little life, a mini faerie, to turn my world upside down.

***
 

For this reason, here's my New Years' Resolution; I'm changing the masks I wear. We can never really take them off, that's just our nature, the fundamental essence of our being. 

But my goal, my deepest hearts' desire, is so close now that I can taste it. I can feel it in the base of my spine. I can hear it beating like a drum - or a heartbeat. 

And I can't hide it anymore. I can't wear that particular mask anymore, the one where I pretend this isn't something I need like I need to breathe. 

So I'll still be here, still be me. But more me than you've ever seen before. And this me is the warrior I sometimes try to hide. I don't know why I hid her before, but it doesn't matter any longer, because she's here to stay now. 

And she means to fight for her destiny. Whatever it takes. 

***

The trigger warning didn't give me much in preparation for what was to come. But it gave me chances. Enough moments to think and change and grow. 

This then, is my trigger warning to the universe. You revealed this path and I took it. I'm committed. More than I think we all thought I would be. 

So. Let's dance...

~*LTM*~












































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