This is an open email to John (Humanity) from Jane (Mother Nature). I started writing this two days after the Orlando shooting, and finished it recently. Life is full of shitty things and while I want to rant and rave and cry, I also want us to laugh. Because laughter fights hate. Every time.
There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out with it; you've been a bit of a shit and I'm pretty bloody disappointed in you.
I'd like to say that things are equally both our faults, but we both know that's not true. It's not me, it's you. Honestly, it's always all about you.
Back in January, after Broomie, Bowie and then Rickman in the same week, I was pretty fucked off and feeling sad about losing some of your better jobs. It was good that you kept quiet for a while after that week. I was considering some serious tornado action but calmed down when you did that thing on social media with the doves and the faces and stuff. That was lovely. Shame you cocked it up with all that crap about overdoses.
I'm still trying to figure out what your weird obsession with so-called 'revolutionaries' is. Didn't you learn your lesson after Hussein? And what about Gaddafi? Not to mention that fuckwit, Bin Laden? I'm trying so hard not to be judgemental, but this Trump freakshow makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I don't know how you can't see that he is going to go the same way as the others. He's going to treat you badly, break your heart, suck the livelihood out of you, and leave you penniless. It's all getting just a little awkward now, to be honest.
I'm trying to steer away from that Noah movie they had on the other night, but it's giving me some ideas, and we both know that for you that isn't good. I'm not sure you can even find two of everything these days, let alone herd them onto a boat. And in a truly distressing turn of events, you've taken to sending boats back to disaster zones, which makes me really concerned for your mental well-being. Are you trying to kill yourself? Clearly so.
Which leads me to my next point; your inability to consistently take care of yourself is getting out of control. In maturity, you are like a 5 year old; conceptually you get the idea of life, but realistically you cannot comprehend its miracle. You are basically self-sabotaging any hope you have of survival past the next few centuries. Which, if I wasn't somewhat invested in your future, I'd say could only be for the best.
Take gun control. You invented this positively astounding piece of technology...which you use to kill yourself with, and then don't regulate it. Hmmm.
You have invented chemical substances to numb pain, used topically for eye and nasal surgery, and then proceeded to recreationally obliterate yourself with it. In larger and larger doses. And then you've spent years refining this substance, therefore refining the ways to kill yourself. Right.
Let's not even mention the natural herbal substances I've tried to introduce you to; in moderation, they can be used for physical and mental ailments, and you have proven to yourself that they are way less addictive than the rubbish you've been toying with. But hey, don't listen to me. It's not like I know what I'm talking about or anything! (Please don't be deliberately obtuse and miss the sarcasm there).
In what was an otherwise depressing week, we remembered that lovely Mohammed Ali bloke. He was rather a shining star. One of the most celebrated sports stars of all time, it was truly lovely to remember all the other glorious things he did; political activist and poet, he polarised opinions the world over.
To be honest though, the Orlando thing was the final fucking straw. There was so many warnings of your failing health; the Syrians, Afghanistan, Israel and Palestine before that (and after). Honestly, it's never-fucking-ending.
So. This is it. I'm done. I'd like to say we can fix things between us, but I can't really see how we move on from all that's happened. Do you even want to? ...
Tell you what. Let's give it one more chance, for old times' sake, hey?
You can keep Elon Musk as long as you keep the Kardashians under control, what do you say?