I had a dream the other night
about how we only get one life
Woke me up right after two, stayed awake and stared at you
so I wouldn't lose my mind...
It's been a long time since my last post, longer than I would have thought. There have been things to say, but I hadn't quite worked up to it until now.
The big events in your life tend to sneak up on you slowly I've found. Sure, you do the momentous occasion of meeting someone new, moving house or changing jobs, but the real game-changers seem to have slow fuses that have been burning for a while and the big bang is just the end result.
That's what I've found anyway. I had major surgery recently and it's been one of the biggest events in my life for a while. I'd been putting up with my body not doing what it should for about 2 or 3 years, and then decided it was time to do something about it.
You can never really tell what's going to set off the bang. For me, it was getting older. I'm not that worried about ageing itself, kind of looking forward to it really, but some things can't be left for too long. And when you do leave them, time runs out for you do something positive about them. That's what it came down to; leave it and suffer the consequences, or stop suffering. Seems simple, right?
I can now empathise with all those people who don't have too many check-ups, let alone surgery. The check up obviously didn't go so well and the news was pretty devastating. Now, my little body is still recovering and to be brutally honest, I'm losing patience with how long it's taking.
That being said, words cannot express how grateful I am that I made the decision to sort myself out. I'm starting a whole new chapter of my life and I have no idea how it's going to go. But I know that physically, I will feel better, move better, and be better than I've been in years. That's worth all the time in the world, as far as I'm concerned.
The life manual doesn't list all the weird shit that can happen to you. It doesn't give you tips and cheats on how to take care of yourself. You have to figure that all out on your own. And that's just the physical stuff, before you've even considered the mental and emotional side.
Luckily, I have a wonderful mother and partner. Lots of other people created a beautiful bubble of love around me, but these amazing folks gave me armour better than any steel. Every day, I thank the goddess for such support and love.
That's the background of my first post for the new year. I'm not going to give dodgy motivational advice or recommend taking up some weird and wonderful new hobby that you have no interest in.
(Except camogie. It sounds brilliant and really bloody dangerous). But bear with me while I impart some weird and hopefully wonderful wisdom from past and recent experience.
I don't really do new years' resolutions. It's not that I don't believe in them, it's just that, for me, if I'm going to commit to doing to something, I haven't the patience to wait for a new year. Which is hilarious in hindsight, as my operation and the consequences of it have made me set my goals up exactly like new years' resolutions.
This year, I'd like things to be a little less hectic. A lot of groundwork and effort went into last year; housemates, changing jobs, sorting my health out. It's taken a lot out of me and I know I'm not the only one. Hard work is one thing, but I think we could all use a little less stress and a little more peace, love and mung beans, as it were.
I've started thinking about what I want at this stage in my life, not just for me, but for my family and loved ones. And the strange thing is, it's not all what I expected. Some seriously unusual stuff has popped into my head, but none less valid than the old dreams I was clinging to.
2015 feels like a year of gentle change, healthy growth and solid achievement. Having read the news today, I know that's hard to believe, but you have to have faith. I have to believe that we can do better, be better. At least that's the vibes I'll be sending out this year.
OneRepublic might have it right; we may only get one chance. I don't believe that, but I'm not willing to risk it. I'm not willing to risk playing it safe and never trying to make a difference because there will always be another chance. Besides; what if I come back as a frog?
On the same page is a thought bought to me by an amazing woman in my life; this year, be more you. She's going to be. She's not telling anyone her exact goals and working on her own things in her own way, but she's going to be more herself. It sounds so simple, it's mind-blowing isn't it? Have a real think and remember the last time you went into a hectic situation and said exactly what you thought and did exactly what you believed in. It's not a test, it's just a thought. How much have you compromised in the last year? How much have you done for yourself or done for others instead?
In that scope is mindfulness. Sadly, mindfulness has been a little overdone recently and I know we're all sick of the mantras. But, this year, I'm bringing it back amigos! Mindfulness isn't just about everyone else, it's about yourself too. As the awesome Heather Small sings; what have you done today to make you feel proud? (And yes, I've been watching A LOT of Miranda). What have you done *this week* to make you proud of yourself? Nothing like a bit of quiet reflection.
From a little faerie who is still only working at half speed, believe me when I say that no matter how slow the pace is and how long it takes, I'm going to open up the world this year.
I'm going to start being mindful about how I live and how I eat, about where I want to be in a years time as well as in five years' time. I'm also going to take a moment for the little things; delicious coffee from my new coffee machine (thanks Mum), mainlining OneRepublic through my new iPod (thanks handsome), surprise messages from good friends (the pretty flowers are my favourite). All the things that make every day just that little bit more magical, a little less mundane, a lot more worthwhile and a reason to smile.
There's no great revelation here folks. No crystal ball to tell yo what the future holds, and the magic isn't always going to be sparks and shining lights. But it will be amazing, and it will be full of joy. Whatever reason you have, new years resolution or otherwise, go into the new year with a new attitude and a new sense of adventure. Anything is possible. Your belief isn't always required for that to be true, but it does help ;)
Counting Stars, OneRepublic