[ don't believe everything you tell yourself late at night ]

Last night I woke up at exactly 3.40am, and waited for the mosquito I've just swatted to come back. Not from the dead mind you, just to annoy me again.

I didn't realise I'd already squished him, so I sat there, legs crossed with the sheet over my knees, and waited.

In hindsight, I should have made a cuppa or got myself a biscuit. Or even read a few pages of my book. Anything except just sit there, staring into space.

Because while I was sitting there, the usual litany started up like a slow, bad orchestra. And me, like the sleep-deprived idiot I was, strained to hear the chords of what it was trying to tell me.

Which is always a rubbish idea, by the way. Trust me.

You all know the tune; it's like hearing a Sondheim musical or a James Blunt classic. Is it really mad brilliance or utter garbage? Probably both.

But at 4 o'clock in the morning, almost all thoughts should be examined with speculation and a healthy dose of scepticism.

What if I never get married? I'm not overly fond of the institution, but I do so adore the idea. What if no one ever asks me again? Nevermind that I've already been asked a few times, so clearly the first wasn't a fluke.

How am I going to pay my bills? With the very comfortable salary I earn, I'd imagine. But what if I couldn't, or lost my job? Studies have shown - yes, someone got *actual* grant money for this - that it's unbelievably difficult to get fired from a decent job, even if you're only making a half-assed effort. Which I most certainly am not.

What if I never have children? What if I get fat and unhealthy? What if my car gets stolen? What if I never write anything good again? What if I never-ever-even-vaguely have a good nights' sleep again?

On and on and on AND ON it goes. It's not so much the unrealistic questions you ask of yourself either. Those are actually quite simple to reason and puzzle through.

It's the mundane, the everyday, the humdrum.

Not to be misunderstood, these are still very real issues. But again - not so much at 4am.

You know why? Because in the middle of the night, all our problems become like our fear of the dark; unknowable, unmanageable, and unwieldy. They become Herculean in their ability to be solved, and we wile away hours of rest worrying them out, simultaneously aware that at this particular moment in time, we have absolutely no way to take action.

Which doesn't assuage anything. It only makes us more anxious.

To be fair, some of the time, painful and difficult things do keep us up at night. Real heartaches and torments to lose sleep over.

But mainly, we worry about the oddest things, and create the proverbial mountain out of a molehill without even trying. These things may be used to distract us from the bigger things, but the damage they do to our psyche by getting air-time can't be dismissed.

***

It's been a long time since I let the night-demons take over the asylum, as it were, and I really should know better. But sometimes it sneaks up on. Like when you realise that after nearly three weeks of bad sleep and anxiety, you sat up waiting for a mosquito and making yourself crazy for over an hour.

Sometimes it takes the frypan of enlightenment to the side of the head before you figure it out. It's not fun, but it's effective.

***

This is where you take action. Not about the worries - those need daylight and coffee and a cool head to be solved. But they can be sorted, just not in the middle of the night. So let's start with getting through the night. 

My favourites come in all sorts of packages and can be used in all sorts of situations. Pick the ones that suit and tailor as desired...

Meditation apps have always got mixed reviews due to the voices on them being appealing to some and not so to others. But there are also some that just have sounds; Relax Melodies is my number one-go-to when it comes to getting to sleep, getting back to sleep, or even just quieting the clamour. 

You can combine a variety of sounds, such as bells, different types of music, atmospheric things like birds or waves, and even three ranges of 'white noise'. Set a timer and relax. It's been a saving grace more nights than I can count.

Lists are another good one. I'm not talking lists of how to solve this problem; if we had that much discipline, we wouldn't be in this mess. 

I'm talking the top 10 things that will never go out of style. The best ever breakfast recipes. 5 items of clothing you cannot live without. Name as many types of mobile phone and the company who makes them.

If you're not sleepy after a few pages of this, you're not trying hard enough. 

Making tea was mentioned before. Let's not confine it to that - make hot chocolate! Make decaf coffee. Research shows (again, well-spent grant money right here) that a warm drink tends to calm and soothe.

And if all else fails here, you can now worry about the need to pee in the middle of the night, instead of everything else you've loaded yourself up with. Win!

With the invention of Netflix and other online platforms, we now have a boon for insomniacs like no other. Watch some shows. Hell, watch a lot of shows. Take your mind away from the drama of your life and show it someone elses. Maybe you won't get back to sleep as you'd hoped, but I'm sure your blood pressure will thank you. 

Read a book. It's the old school version of the above, and much better for your eyesight (comparatively speaking). Let yourself drift into a world of another making, let your mind draw pictures of people and places. Again, sleep or no, you're not shredding your nerves on stuff you can't control, so we're calling this a win. 

Lastly, and this one pains me a bit, but there it is; social media. In the current climate of the love/hate relationship we have with it, it can still have it's place. My facebook feed is 75% crochet projects from an online group I've joined. Blankets and shawls and rugs and wraps. Beanies and scarves and gloves. Crocheted cactus and French bulldogs with little ribbons and bells added.

I've never felt so peaceful in my life. And it makes me smile, and relax. It's hard to be apprehensive looking at a foot-tall crocheted Groot. It really is.

***

So don't sit there waiting for the mosquito to come back. Don't waste too many nights worrying about things you can't control, because you probably can, just not then and not without the cool, calm light of day.

As your pot here is saying to all her kettles out there, nothing is as dire as all that, even if it seems so. 

On that note, I'm off to get a chai, a gingernut, and binge watch season four of Once Upon A Time. What about you? 

~*LTM*~

[ proof of age ]

At the end of seventeenth year of the twenty-first century, we all looked back and reflected, musing on the events of the weeks and months past, on the various situations and circumstances, the predicaments and adventures, wondering what the future held for us all.

Mainly however, we are now taking a long look at the year past, and wondering if possibly we could have asked one simple question a wee bit earlier in the piece. A question that may have avoided some of the larger disasters. A question most other 17 year olds get asked all the time...

Can I see some ID please?

Perhaps if we had been a little more circumspect in our discernment, 2017 may have been less of a clusterfuck. It may have been slightly more dignified, however besmirched by infamy it had been.

To be fair, we do say this every few years when the ridiculousness gets particularly out of hand. That being said, and seeing as the twenty-first century is now entering adulthood, drinking age, and legal status, perhaps some of our more appalling habits could fall by the wayside? Just a suggestion...

***

I'd like to start with political inanity. Whether it's Turnbull and Shorten, or Trump and, well, anyone, I think we are all pretty over it. Gone are the days of meaningful discussion, in 2017 we focused on unsatisfactory phone calls, lumps of coal, anyone and everyone's citizenship, and pollies being liars (was pretty sure that was in the job description, to be honest...).

Sadly, while we were mindlessly distracted by the above, we somehow swept past Larissa Waters being the first woman to breastfeed in parliament, the same-sex marriage plebiscite (which despite having a decent run-up, seemed to end rather anti-climatically), and our two new favourite villains; Michaela Cash and Sam Dastayari. 

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. I haven't had my brain this mushed since Julia Gillard and Tony Abbot spent the better part of 16 months saying the words 'carbon tax' without anyone actually being sure what they were on about. 

Please, if there's any chance our pollies could talk less rubbish and more sense this year, I'm sure the Australian people would be eternally grateful. Sorry America, can't help you with Trump though...

***

The next thing on my list is Twitter. It's asking a lot of anyone to keep the verbal diarrhoea to a minimum, especially when you have an open platform to spew forth to your hearts' content, but honestly, show a little restraint already.

That's right, I'm looking at you, Donald Trump. Like a small child, you say anything and everything that's on your mind. And not content to leave it at that, you subject the entire world to your drivel.

Between telling Hilary Clinton and Theresa May what to do, taunting Kim Jong-un, and trying to hide your bromance with Russia, I repeat one of my earlier statements; there is an actual clown in the White House and it's all downhill from here.

Should you think this sort of behaviour is restricted to old, white, over-privileged, under-educated, orange twits, there is a runner-up prize for best public foot-in-mouth moment. Take a bow, Yassmin Abdel-Magied.

A well-educated young Muslim woman, with some views I agree with and certainly enjoy hearing her opinion on, she unfortunately joined the ranks of people who need to have their ID checked and their parents called, with this little pearler on ANZAC Day;

It matters not if you agree or disagree, everyone is welcome to their opinion. Perhaps however, being in the public eye and supposedly an example to young people, one might consider appropriate mediums and timing? Just a suggestion.

***

My partner plays video games. His hand/eye co-ordination is amazing, and he plays with his dad and brother online. It's rather sweet because they live in different areas but get to spend some quality lads time together. I don't really get into it much myself, but all the games they play appear to have some serious strategy involved, problems to solve, group challenges, and tests of your lateral thinking.

So, for the love of the gods, can someone explain to me why PokemonGO is still a thing?! 

Why am I still having grown adults walk into me in the street, or asking me to move my coffee out of the way of the poliwag or mudkip nearby (I did research ok? And no, I didn't enjoy it). 

I will *give* John Hanke my firstborn's fine-motor skills if he just invents something else. Anything else. As long as it's indoors and doesn't have humans acting like lemmings. 

***

We survived the cronut, the duffin, the dagel, and coffee receptacles being anything except actual cups (including waffle cones and avocados). We had charcoal lattes, taco/pie/candy pizzas, and pickles on cupcakes. We got over sushi burritos, frose, and trying to stack literally anything into a mason jar and calling it a meal. 

How. The Actual. HECK. Are we still eating unicorn food then? Sigh.

Recently, I discovered that Cadbury's Roses had subtly changed their wrappers, as well a few flavours. Ok, ok, I thought, be cool. It can't be that bad. And it wasn't. As much as the Brits went nuts, changing the twisty wrapper and adding Salted Caramel as a flavour felt like a subtle, gentle nudge into evolving confectionery vices. I'm ok with this, I can roll with this.

This is progress. We all have to live with it, and hopefully it's mainly for the better.

Creating something with colours and flavours not found in nature is not. Destroying everything by adding colours and flavours not found in nature is worse.

From Gaytimes to milkshakes, to lattes and toast (don't ask), everything can now be slathered in rainbows and sprinkled with sparkles. Bagels and burgers, soups and sushi (seriously, you really don't want to know).

I'm begging you; leave the unicorn craze to dress ups and dolls, headbands and party themes. If you can't identify it - especially though a rainbow haze - you shouldn't be eating it. 

***

It's hard to pick a final gripe for 2017. Between beg-packing and looking at your phone while walking, anti-vaccination and charging for wifi, I kind of lost the will, I really did. So much stupidity, so many people doing it.

Then I recalled a few great things that there could probably be more of in 2018...

***

Bravery and compassion for our fellow humans
A 30 year old man risked his own life to save others in a horrifying mass shooting in Las Vegas.

Using social media for a laugh and making it a friendlier place
Carter Wilkerson and an epic chicken nugget challenge that is unlikely to be repeated.

Caring for our furry friends as well as our fellow humans
Hurricane Harvey didn't just devastate human lives, it took away others' homes too.

Women being badass and breaking records
That sentence says it all.

***

There it is folks; things to avoid and things to advance. Surely if we work together, we can lower the dumb and up the maturity. After all, we are the product of 4 billion years of evolution; perhaps we might demonstrate it...

And if not, me and rest of the grown ups are grounding you until you can act your age. 

~*LTM*~

[ I'm dreaming of a humidity-free January ]

Every year it insinuates itself quietly into our lives over the holiday season. It sneaks under our doorways, into our bedrooms, and under our sheets. It curls around our backs, sinking into our skin, until we're sticky and lightheaded, and desperate for a cool shower - domestic or divine, it matters not.

Oh yes, the humidity is back, and oh boy, is it a stinker.

***

There are those who love this weather. The days of bright sunshine and long evenings, tanning themselves on the beach and in parks with every spare moment they have. And to be fair, there are some lovely things about Summer in Sydney.

Mangoes and cherries. The former are always going to be cheaper than the latter, but worth a punnet at this time of the year (if you can find one under $10!). In direct contrast to their price, mangoes are at their best when they are lowest in price; if you can hold out until they hit the $2-$2.50 mark, you're sure a winner of the Kensington Pride variety.

Cocktails. Fruity concoctions full of berries and syrup, lime and mint, or even an indulgent margarita stuffed with cucumbers and green chilli. They taste fresher during the holidays because they are; all the best ingredients are in season and ready to be muddled to your delight.

Sunsets. Though not a fan of daylight savings, I always appreciate a beautiful sunset, and Sydney certainly puts on a show during the warmer months; hues of pink, lavender, peach, and violet grace our skies and linger over the landscape, burnishing everything in glimmering light. Lovely.

***

These wonderful things aside - January is steamy and close, and seems to go on for simply ages, much longer than the actual 31 days. All things being equal then, I thought I'd get together a shortlist of places to escape to, even briefly, where you can avoid the Summer entirely. Or at least pretend it's not the manky part. 

UK

Never having been here myself, I can only suggest the wonders on offer and surmise the gloriousness from afar. This option is also only available to those with ridiculous amounts of disposable income, family to bunk with, or both. 

That being said, having those things, I'd recommend running for the snow-tipped hills as fast as your passport can carry you. Whether you know a little or a lot (or nothing at all!) about the UK, pick a spot and drop in for a week or so; York, Bath, Cornwall, Sheffield, Dorset, Pembrokeshire. 

The UK's hottest spot is along the Cornish coast, the Isles of Scilly, where the highest temperature recorded was 27.8 degrees. At this time of year, the northern hemisphere is in their Winter however, so even on a day with humidity levels at 81%, the temperature will only hover between 10 and 12 degrees. 

See how much the savings account has in reserve and book a year in advance!

New Zealand

Our cousins across the pond tend to get similar temperatures to us, but with a few major differences. The first, being that as a much smaller island and not crossing many latitudes, NZ temperatures don't vary too much. You'll still find things a touch cooler in the south than the north, but not much. Also, an occasional polar wind can cross through, which means relief from humidity is a lot more frequent. 

 After taking a long dip, as my tour guide once said, NZ popped up from beneath the ocean millions of years ago, while the greater part remains beneath the Pacific Ocean. What this means today is that there are no natural predators, and though certainly a decent variety of mosquitoes, very few bite humans. 

In terms of a break from the hot weather, New Zealand may not seem too different from Oz. But if you're a fan of Summer - just not humidity - a quick trip across the water, where you can enjoy the warmer climate without wanting to faint, might be in order. 

And the best part? A return ticket to NZ is still cheaper than flying to Perth. 

Tasmania

Ah, Tasmania. If you're not keen on leaving the homeland, but still desperate for some relief, look no further than south of the border.

Tassie is another island but gets even more benefits in terms of cooler weather than NZ. With common cold fronts from the Southern Ocean, even a Summer day is more comfortable than actually hot.

With wonderful heritage architecture and a foodie heaven (go here or here - trust me), Hobart offers a beautiful spot to drop into and doze through the stickier season, while a trip through to the Central Plateau will have you gazing on magnificent scenery, and enjoying temperatures barely rising above 25 degrees.

Flights to Tasmania are cheap and go often, as well as tours that will take you on air conditioned buses to a variety of stops.

Another one to book in advance, but still affordable if you forget how soggy Sydney gets in the new year.


Clareville, NSW

Can't afford the time or money to get out of the city for too long? No problem. Let me suggest the Northern Beaches of NSW.

Not much of a beach person since childhood, I've since discovered the occasional visit to see the great blue expanse a bit of a balm to a sweltering day. Even a mini break or a weekend jaunt seems to settle the simmering for a while.

Clareville sits on the inner coastline of the northern beaches, right after Newport and just before Palm Beach. A quiet little place, with a quirky suburbia of dips and hills, you can see the water from most places you go.

Pack a towel, sunscreen, swimmers, a good book, and you're sorted. The beaches are just over an hour north of Sydney, so you can drive if you like, but take transport; time for a quick nap in the air con.


Botanic Gardens, Sydney CBD

This is the option if you've left everything to the last minute, funds or no funds. You've suddenly got back to work in the first weeks of January and realised the only thing keeping you sane is 8 hours solid of arctic air con, and wishing - yet again - that you'd booked some leave, even just a few days.

Never fear, there is relief even for those of us who work through. Sydney's Botanic Gardens are the one of our proudest and one of the world's most important botanic institutions in the world. They are open every day and access is free.

Though a little crowded in the holidays, there are still spots you can curl up under a shady tree and watch the Harbour on your lunch break. Surrounded by lush vegetation, a salty breeze, and the background sounds of the city, you can pretend you're in another world. Even if it's only for a lunch break.

***

With these options in mind, hold strong my friends, we will yet make it through another sticky Sydney Summer, by the will of our ceiling fans and possibly a brief escape!

~*LTM*~

[ the pen is mightier than the stylus ]

Walking through MYER recently, a friend of mine mentioned how small their collection of fountain pens was. Even being xmas time, he was disappointed that such a lovely tradition was dying out. 

You see, when he was a younger man, a good fountain pen was a highly regarded gift. People not only signed their name with it; they wrote letters and cards, did their Sunday crossword puzzle, and if you were especially lucky, they might lend it to you - briefly! - to sign something yourself. 

Don't get me wrong, this friend isn't that much older than me, so it got me thinking; there are so many things that are either becoming obsolete or going out of fashion, or even sadder still - both. And the things we have to 'replace' them really aren't that great. 

***

With almost every new laptop tablet you can get a stylus, and for those of you who haven't had the dubious pleasure; it's a pen for your computer. You use it much the same way, except you write on the screen. Most computers will let you use it to add to what you type, some even 'translate' the written text into font. 

Which, to be fair, sounds kind of cool. It's crafty and techy, and oh-so-convenient. You also realise two things though; no-one really writes anything anymore, and we no longer really need actual pens. 

If you were born after 1990, this may not seem like such a big deal. Pens take up a little space, need ink, and may not always work. Here's the thing though; your grandparents only ever wrote letters to each other. Sweethearts scribbled sweet nothings on scraps of paper with their elegant Mont Blanc, something they probably got from their parents as a birthday gift. And these gifts meant something. As did the letters and notes they wrote them with.  

***

Which leads me to paper. We all know I'm very much about the paperless office, saving the forests, and general, all-round, save-the-planet stuff. 

But, the above notwithstanding, I still write notes. On paper. Delicately detailed notepaper that I keep for special occasions, thanking people for gifts; quirky coloured squares for sending friends little well wishes; even scraps of recycle for doodling my thoughts. 

But it's not fashionable to do this anymore. Why would you, when you can text, email, or even instant-message-with-added-emojis? Why indeed...

***

Hands up those of you who own a Kindle or love a good eBook? Thought so; nearly half the people I know do, and the other half - well, isn't that interesting - they'd rather not. 

Why not, you say? They're great! You can hold thousands of books in one place, eReaders are light, easy to carry and use, and these days, you can buy them for nix. The titles you buy can be bought for even less. 

I'll admit it might be hard to explain to someone who never really got into them; but you can't recreate the experience of a new book. The shiny, exciting cover. The back blurb, tempting you with a story not yet read. The pages; smooth and scratchy at the same time. Clutching it to your chest as you pause in contemplation between chapters. 

Let's be fair, folks; the cold, smooth surface of your Kindle isn't exactly going to evoke such emotion. Particularly if you plan on pressing it into a loved ones' hands, compelling them to read it too. 

It just doesn't have the same frissom to it really. 

***

About this point is where I was overwhelmed with a mini-avalanche of other things, not yet gone, but already starting to be missed.

Online music such as mp3's have replaced CD's, your phone has replaced the good old wristwatch, and forget keys - we all have electronic access to everything.

No one has playing cards anymore, all your games are in cyberspace, we don't need maps because Google provides, and the humble candle has been replaced - not with a decent torch - but again with your phone, which now comes with its own handy, multi-purpose flashlight in the camera.

And I started to feel wistful and nostalgic, and wondered where this might leave some our most treasured possessions, things that some of us have been collecting and preserving for our whole lives. Where would they all be in ten years time? Twenty?

***

On account of all these thoughts, with all gloom that we might be seeing the last scented candle, the last minted coin, the last colour photograph...

I smiled. Because the lights will not always stay on (sorry South Australia), Google will not always be at your beck and call (honestly, not that way!), and eReaders do not dry out well if you accidentally dip them in the bathwater.

***

So, never fear, my old-school-cool chums, it might seem like books are getting passe, candles are considered a bit lame, and a deck of cards the height of being square. However, think on this...

When power fails and the lights go out, when everyone's latest tech toy dies in a gurgle of dishwater, when the boredom kicks in and there's just nothing to do...

We'll still be here; beeswax candles already on, books stacked on the coffee table, and pens jotting down the score of who's winning at Scrabble. We might even have room to share our toys with others.

~*LTM*~

[ laughing and sleeping - just quietly, you're not doing enough of either ]

Every weekday morning, my alarm goes off at 6am. I'm usually in bed by 9.30 the night before, but wake around 5.30, and rolling over for that extra kip is extra nice.

On Sundays, I used to get up at 7 for archery, but my routine has changed a little so I don't go as often as I'd like. Still, my body wakes me up between 6.40 and 7.20 most of the time anyway.

Saturday is my only sleep-in day. Depending on how my week has gone, what season it is, or whether I have anything on that day, I consider anything past 8.30 pretty great. It's over an hour more than most other days, and even if I do wake, I can lie there dozing and daydreaming without a bother.

Doing the maths, you'd think I was averaging 7-8+ sleep a night, right? Which is quite respectable, and within the daily recommended amount.

Except, I'm not. Literally half my time is run on 4-6 hours a night, large amounts of caffeine, and the ability to work hyper-efficiently on autopilot for a few hours, at least until the caffeine kicks in.

How does that work? Hold that thought for a moment...

***

My partner tells brilliant dad jokes. My mum has a wicked sense of humour and excellent timing. My brother and I send each other various cheeky memes and videos which basically demonstrate we're siblings through our sense of humour. 

Most days, I get a decent laugh out of life. I find badly translated street signs, commuters morning behaviour, and Sydney-siders dress sense hilarious. I like to think of myself as moderately funny, and able to make people crack a smile even in dismal circumstances. 

You'd think then that I was getting sufficient doses of chuckles in my life. That I was having enough stress relief - because that's what laughter is - to be pretty chillaxed, correct?

Not so much. I get stressed about traffic, cranky at rude people in transit, and overwhelmed in shopping centres. I find all sorts of large crowds intimidating, tech failing overly frustrating, and teenagers in general annoying. 

No, I'm not unwell, I'm just a little anxious and overly serious. But how come? Well, back to the sleeping...

***

One of my very favourite people used to tell me this old saying. He passed away a few years ago, but I never forgot it, and I think of it a lot these days. 

Coming from a people who have known some serious hardship, it's tough not to take this on board and have it sink in. Or if you paraphrase it a bit, there are few things a good laugh and a long sleep can't fix.

For it's true really; we don't sleep enough, and we sure as hell don't laugh enough. We spend all our time busying ourselves with randomness and worrying ourselves with trivia. 

Some people would say that obviously laughing and sleeping can't fix everything, and these people are clearly neither laughing or sleeping enough, so we're going to use their pedantic cynicism as the rule example. 

And there it is; you're not sleeping enough because you're not laughing enough, and you're not laughing enough because you're not sleeping enough. 

If you think I've over-simplified things, then you haven't been listening, and that mindset is part of the issue. 

We're constantly trying to find time to relax and stressing ourselves out about finding that time, so we squeeze ourselves into every, little, single hour and minute of every day, desperately trying to make time...to make time. 

We sleep less because we think we have less time, but get tired and burned out by having less sleep,  and so crash at unfortunate moments... At which point, we're not really getting quality sleep, per se, our bodies are just pulling the plug because they've had enough of our exhausting nonsense.

***

One more time, if you think I'm over-simplifying, you haven't been listening. Take it from the pot here, who spent a lot of years calling the kettle a decidedly dark shade of black; not everything in life is simple, but this bit is. 

There will be days when you can worry over money. There will be nights you cry over family. Certainly, endless months, maybe years, feeling underappreciated at work or in your social group. 

And I don't have all the answers to all those problems. We all have to find our own way in this world, fight our battles and win some wars. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

But I do know this; while that's all happening, while we are busy making plans, there are still going to be beers to be drunk, naps to be had, and animal videos to watch. 

While we make plans, all the fun stuff still happens. And while the fun stuff still happens, plans still get made. 

What I'm saying is this; take a nap at 3 o'clock on a Saturday. Watch rubbish television for five hours on a Tuesday night. Go to work, be productive, follow all your set ideals - but make some room. 

Not room in your day, or room in your schedule. Don't force it like a dentist clamp keeping your jaw open for root canal.

Room in your head. Just a little space, enough to fit a dad joke or two, a sneaky nap on the train, or even a silly meme you send to your besties.

Into that space will be giggles and snoozes, chillaxing and calm. Into that space will fit things you didn't know you liked as much as you do, because you never made space for them. 

To finish off, I'll leave you with a lovely cliche that I always thought should be a mini-motto; from a tiny seed, great things have grown. 

Think about it. Maybe after you've watched some Comedy Channel and had a catnap on the lounge...

~*LTM*~

[ Hating Hallmark isn't cool and you all need to shut up about it ]

During the holidays last year, I watched Die Hard, Love Actually, How To Be Single, and What To Expect When You're Expecting. These were all interspersed with a variety of sitcom reruns, a few more actions flicks, and some cooking shows (ok, a lot of cooking shows - how great is Jamie Oliver?!).

Also, quite a few Hallmark movies. I know; I can hear you all groaning from here. I will be watching them all again this year, but trust me, I do understand where you're coming from.

Every Hallmark movie is formulaic, to say the least. And the xmas ones are even more so; some well-coiffed girlie from the city with too much corporate and not enough grassroots needs to find herself in the country. Or the snow. Or a little country village with snow. At xmas.

Anyway. The small town that said heroine ends up in ('stranded', 'escapes to', 'has-a-last-minute-errand-for-her-father-in', whatever), obviously has a hunky male love interest who alternately irritates and helps her throughout the storyline.

Which is quite thin, to be honest (the storyline, that is, not the girlie. Though she's generally on the trim side too...). That's the other part I get that you all loathe just a little more every time a new film gets released; plotlines with holes like a good Swiss. Nobody's that clumsy, that lucky, or that clueless.

Oh, but they are, my friends! This is Hallmark, after all.

You can probably also lay the blame for the xmas bulge at Hallmark Channel's expansive feet. I know the last thing I need to see during the holidays is what basically amounts to a two-hour long infomercial for xmas treats. But that's essentially what you end up watching.

Glistening fat turkeys with bowls (ehem, buckets) of gravy and cranberry sauce. Colossal legs of ham like works of art, dotted with cloves and smothered in glaze. Potato salad, bean salad, pasta salad, cheese salad; pretty much any salad that may or may not actually have vegetables in it, but usually as an afterthought.

Then there's the desserts. Given Hallmark's penchant for films that feature an unlucky-in-love but plucky baker, we were all doomed from the start. You've never seen so many cookies, tarts, pies, pastries, petit fours, tortes, or cakes in your life.

No, I mean really; you probably haven't. To be fair, Anna Polyviou probably hasn't either, and she's worked at it.

During December, I tend to be able to space out my holiday eating, dividing my day into a decent breakfast, a dubious second breakfast, a healthy lunch, another possible dubious choice in afternoon tea, then pure 50/50 chance at dinner. Each meal may or may not have a festive addition, such as pudding, some custard, or ham anything really, and so on.

Once the break starts - as does the xmas viewing - so does the excessive binging. Really, I'm generally ok until I see our spunky leading lady get stuck in a snowstorm at the huge, yet picturesque, B&B that just happens to be serving the xmas fare already - because they do that for ya'll All Through The Holiday Season! (obviously) - and I'm done.

Suddenly I'm stuffing gingerbread into my face like no ones business, stripping slices off ham off the bone every hour, on the hour, and quaffing custard from the carton like it's Verve Clicquot. It's really rather unladylike...

Then there's the Scenery. Because you can't call what Hallmark does just plain old set-dressing.

Stunning little cottages trimmed in lacy ironwork that would make a Spaniard weep. Log cabins brimming with furry rugs and heavy chairs and roaring fireplaces and did I mention the furry rugs? Stately family homes that haven't seen a speck of dust, like, ever, with maids who clearly pride themselves on being the best of the best in service, as it were.

Then there's the castles. Oh, but the castles. Which we all really need to take a moment of silence to truly appreciate...

Hallmark find the most extensive, detailed, wondrous castles you can imagine; glorious towering structures in shimmering splendour, displaying workmanship not seen since the 12th century. These things are barely short of a full-on, utterly-decked-out, Disney castle, complete with twinkling fairy lights by the thousands.

In fact, I'm not convinced Disney and Hallmark aren't the same company, they've just been keeping it secret like a Hallmark plot-twist for the last 50 years...

Sure, I get there's only so much belief you can suspend. I get that there's only so much schmaltzy dialogue you can stomach. And I really do get that your actual stomach's sugar-coping abilities are pushed, even when it comes to *imaginary* goodies.

This is the thing though folks; this time of year is a bit of a mixed bag. At best, a merry-go-round of shopping, eating, working, and socialising. At worst, a general anxiety-fest-free-for-all for your emotions. I won't assail you with all the depressing details (that's the previous post), but I will say that it can be pretty exhausting either way.

At the end of the day (or the middle of the afternoon, as we say in my house), is it so hard then to understand why people want just a few hours of blissful relaxation? Where everything goes gratifyingly right, where everything ends up in its place, where we all get - however briefly - a happily ever after?

We forget about political bickering in our nation, unrest in the Middle East, violence in the streets, and all other manner of horrors - just for a short while?

Come on, you know the answer to this one.

This year, obviously, I will again be watching as many schmaltzy, decked-out, situationally unbelievable Hallmark specials as I can cram in. And all I'm asking is that you don't rain on my parade here, or anyone else's.

Besides, who knows; maybe if you try watching one, just once, you may even like it...



All the blessings of the season to you, lovelies!
~*LTM*~



*Picture credit to Terri Pringle Wood, who clearly watches oodles of Hallmark. Follow her delicious work on instagram here.

[ xmas rant ]

Stay calm. Move slowly. Breathe deeply.

I know, I know. It snuck up on us again. Without warning, without fanfare. Shock. Horror. *Gasp*

Or not, rather. That'd be like, 12 years in a row now, right?

It's xmas*. It's 8 days away and everyone is losing their proverbial shit. To be fair, the CBD is feral, the humidity has gone up, and no one has had a good nights' sleep since October.

A little panic is not unjustified.

But that's where my patience ends, good people. That's where I draw the line and start to think about real stress, real anxiety.

Going a little serious on you, here it is; this is not a great time of year. People are spending every waking hour at the office trying to get things done so that they can spend the break with their family.

Health workers are doing shift work and getting hammered by incidents mainly involving drunk twits, while desperately trying to help nanas who've had falls in their kitchens.

Retail workers are pasting on their brightest smiles, and using their chirpiest voices, to deal with aggressive idiots while listening to carols on repeat for 9 hours.

It's tense, it's full-on, and it's really, really hectic.

At the same time, there is this pervasive and insidious weirdness to the season. An enforced jollity and creepy cheer. You know the one; where we all pretend to be shiny happy people holding hands,  celebrating the 'joy' of the season.

And being judgey-McJudge-judges on each and every way that people like to spend their holiday season. But in a passive-aggressive way, and delivered with that horrid, jokey laugh we put on when we're being awful.

Oh, you're doing a beach xmas this year? How quaint!

You're going to get them that for xmas? That's...nice...

Sit around and watch xmas movies? Gosh, wouldn't it be nice to have the time!

Xmas isn't festive. Xmas is torture wrapped in tinsel with a side of pavlova. 

***

Every year, scores of parents tell their spouses that they will be the one taking the kids to the shops, or the one doing the xmas shopping this time. Grandparents say they'll come to the kids place this year. Cousins and close friends arrange holiday houses, where you can all get together for a special xmas catch up. 

Every year, scores of these same people - these generally reasonably-mannered people - turn into nasty, rude, occasionally violent nutters who inflict their displeasure on all and sundry, as if everyone in a 100m radius is set on doing them wrong. Set on challenging them to an argument.

To be fair, some of them don't. Some of them actually potter through the season, hanging out with family, giving and receiving gifts, and generally having a decent time.

Half of latter do it purely to avoid a confrontation with the former...  

***

Which leads me to something I'd like us all to keep in mind this time of the year. Just a moment of contemplation. Be warned; it's not pretty, it's not festive, and it sure as hell isn't wrapped in novelty holiday paper.

December is a tricky time for people emotionally. Add that to our increasing suicide rate throughout the country, and you have a seriously worrying trend. And I'm going to say something really blunt, so brace yourself. 

Xmas makes some people want to kill themselves. 

There, I said it. 

Pretty shocking, right? You thought I was being dramatic, building tension. I wasn't. I stated a fact, an inconvenient truth that we make concerned faces over, but don't really do much about. Xmas is a lonely, stressful, and anxious time of the year. And some people will listen to and put up with the most appalling behaviour just to get through it.

I don't have an answer to such a mammoth issue, and I certainly don't expect any of you to. Mental health is still blushed with taboo in our culture and the times are changing, but ever so slowly. 

What I do expect however, is compassion and love. And yes, dammit, goodwill towards your fellow beings. And yes, I do expect it a little more of it at this time of year.

***

Having to take your kids to the shops isn't stressful. Just because little Timmy is screaming his lungs out for a Batman action figure, and little Alice is pouting her bottom lip in a fashion a Kardashian would be proud of, does not make you hard done by. 

The woman in the corner of the cafe, quietly trying to get her sick baby to feed, looking sleep deprived and close to tears; she's doing things a bit hard. She is heroically trying to keep it together, and deserves our sympathy.  

Not getting the park you want, even after you waited 10 minutes behind some fool in a 4WD, is not a great burden on your day. Circling around for another 10 is not, in fact, going to utterly ruin your life as you know it. 

Grandpops, in his little Mazda, beetling along slowly, deserves a break. He's a polite driver, he doesn't get out much, and he certainly isn't as quick as he used to be. So when he accidentally pinches your spot and gratefully waves to you enthusiastically, he hasn't earned your aggression. He hasn't earned you calling names out your window, or worse, fronting up to his car and Hulk-ing out. 

If I haven't quite made it clear, let me put it this way; your problems are not insurmountable. They are not earth-shaking, they are not life-altering. And what you think you deserve at this time of the year - let alone any other time - is not actually what you're justified in getting.  

***

All the little things we enjoy, all the ease with which we sail through life, suddenly becomes more apparent at xmas. At least to me. With all the hard times I've been through, there is someone having a harder one. And that's certainly not the platitude it sounds like.  

Can't afford the holiday to the UK you wanted? Whining to the family the only reason you are coming to xmas lunch is because the airfares were just so expensive? There are people who haven't had a holiday in years; they can't afford to go to the Gold Coast, let alone international. 

Cranky because, yet again, you have to schlepp all the way down south to the parents' place, where you will eat too much, drink too much, and fall asleep in your childhood bedroom, still dressed in your party gear? How embarrassing...

But better than the woman who barely gets to see her kids, has to beg to spend time with them, and then spends a fortune she doesn't have on a xmas day she's not sure her family will end up coming to. 

***

Not to sound like a broken record, but xmas is hard. It's depressing. And it goes on for weeks.

In the end, I'm not asking a lot, and I'm not asking anything that I'm not already doing myself.

Stop taking your kids to the shops. Plan your day so it's not going to be feral, the kids aren't going to go mental, and you're not going to lose your mind. Get public transport, arrive early, take a friend if you need moral support. Spend less on crap, more on stuff you want to, and have the cajones to tell the family we're you're at. 

You're all grown ups, you know how. 

***

During the holiday season, no matter what your faith or inclination, you reflect on all you're grateful for. You perform little traditions to show how thankful you are for the people around you, the privileges reap, and life you lead. Some of them are fun, some of them are lame, some of them are both.

But some people don't. They don't have family around, they don't the time or the money to go somewhere to relax and celebrate. Some people aren't appreciated for all they've done; in fact, they are openly taken for granted. 

So for those of you who want to tell me how much you miss your family right now, or how this time of year makes you sad because that someone special isn't around; come here. I have a hug, some spiked eggnog, and many hours of comfort at your disposal. 

But for the rest of you, those of you who whine that Aunty Mary is only going to give you socks again, or Cousin Dave is just going to tell you the same story, or even that your parents are making you travel again, I have something to tell you.

This year, I'm giving out candy canes and smack-downs. And I'm plumb out of candy canes... 

~*LTM*~

*To avoid the inevitable; I spell it like this out of respect. Not because I'm an illiterate tween who thinks this is how it's actually spelt. 20-odd years as a pagan and bought up a Catholic, I still want to show my respect in my way for religion by not using names, terms, or even curses really, I don't have faith in. Little odd, sure, but respect is still respect. We all have that in common.